since i'm a solipsist-like person, i perceive the world in a weird way. i consider it being a product of a single "existing" entity, which i decided to name "mind". mind's existence is all about thinking. so it eventually thought up our world, us, me, etc. everything is mind's imaginary product. i used to define myself as its arbiter or perhaps servant, because i knew for sure that i could think, too. after all, it's impossible to know whether anyone is actually thinking, and even if we learned to read each other's thoughts, what we read is still perceived as it is perceived, ergo, anything could be as well a product of my, or your thoughts.
the question is why we have to perceive the world that way. for some reason mind gave its own products an opportunity to "think", but why force us to see the world the way it is seen? yeah, that's when i concluded there's no reason for mind to force us do anything. more than that, why would there even be any reason for mind to do something? it needs no reason, it knows no reason. though i may be wrong, too - after all, mind is uncomprehendable by me. or maybe everyone. or maybe it is comprehended by me all the time.
it seems to me that mind is something that can't really be studied nor understood. it's... something else. about a year ago, i thought that death might be the key to the door of this mystery's solution. i based this on the fact of the world generally making death look like something utterly negative, thus forcing our brain into avoiding it at all costs. that i thought to be the defense system of the mind. so i wished to die. and i've failed miserably. but now that i think of it, death might be yet another product of mind made randomly by its eternal thinking.
summarising all my reasoning so far, i can tell that mind forces us into the world it imagined for whatever reason. something like... a locked room, like in mystery novels. but this mystery, apparently, can not be solved. and yet i keep reasoning deeper and deeper, trying to fool both myself and the mind. my thoughts collide, giving birth to the eternal chaos.